Why do my dogs do the things they do?

Okay, so I know I have been a bad blogger, and haven’t updated this thing since October. I suck. I think that things just slowed down for us here in Germany and I didn’t feel that I had anything really relevant to share since we’ve settled in. However, today I got to thinking and realized that I have a lot more to share than just the experiences relating directly to relocating to a foreign country. So I am going to make a sincere effort to keep this going and in turn keep my writing skills sharpened. You know what they say, if you don’t use it, you lose it. Be prepared though, as my ramblings will definitely not be censored and may not always be of the popular opinion, nor may you rarely if ever agree with what I might write. With that said, let the madness ensue!

Why is it that every time I go to the bathroom at home the dogs feel the need to accompany me? I mean, do they really think that I need protection from the evil toilet brush or that I just really like their company so much that I can’t be without it for 3 minutes while I answer the call of nature. They are incredibly judgmental too. I mean when they fart it could damn near wipe out a small village and then they just sit there and look around like, “hey, it’s just a natural thing, we all do it.” However, when I fart and I even have the common decency to do it in what should be the privacy of my own bathroom (well some times anyway), they look at me so indignantly like they are totally judging me and are revolted by me. To that I say, “well hell, at least I don’t lick myself or sniff butts,” and “SCRAM!”

Why do my dogs find it necessary to screw with my damn curtains? First of all I have to inform you that these curtains were a sore spot in my marriage for a time. I had to fight hard for these curtains because for some reason when it comes to decorating my husband has developed what I call “The Queer Eye.” For those of you who may not know, “The Queer Eye” is in fact Marshall’s concern for all things esthetic especially pertaining to decorating matters. So after months of battling I won the curtain war at last! My wonderful husband even obligingly hung them for me. Boy did they ever look nice too! Our living room no longer granted access to all neighbors and passersby. Even Marsh had to admit how much better the room looked. However, this happiness was short lived as we discovered that there was some unrest among the four legged troops. For some reason they both feel the need to go and get a drink of water from their bowl in the kitchen and then walk all the way back into the living room to then wipe their slobbery faces on my damn curtains! I yell all sorts of obscenities and tell them no but it’s no use. I swear they know it makes me mad and they just do it on purpose to torture me.

Why does Gemma snore loud enough to wake the dead only when I am trying to sleep? This dog’s snoring is seriously out of control. I have considered breath right strips,and that spray they used to advertise. However, I just resort to yelling at her, because god know’s Marshall wouldn’t wake up if the Kool-Aid man himself came busting into the room and exclaimed “OH YEAH!” Sadly I have even tried throwing pillows and she just grunts, then continues snoring. I have even tried putting her in her crate but then she digs in it or just snores in there and then it resonates and is even louder. Needless to say I spend a lot of time on the couch.

Why does Shocker have to lick his paws like he has OCD? On one hand I can really respect his need for hygiene, but he does it far too often. If he eats anything at all, he then needs to lay down and lick the hell out of his paws. I mean it’s not as though he used them to hunt down some wild animal for dinner. I can’t believe his paws aren’t chapped all to hell.

With that said, I really do love Gemma and Shocker. It’s just that some days I just need to rant because living with two real live cartoon characters can be quite taxing on a woman.

*Disclaimer:
No Olde English Bulldogges were harmed when said pillows were tossed in their general direction. I promise!