Friday, February 26, 2010

The Two Winter Olympic Events That Make Me Want to Cut Myself

Now I know I may catch some flak for this but that’s just too bad because this is my sounding board and therefore I can write about whatever I choose to write about, so eat that you critics! Like many of you, Marshall and I are currently caught up in watching the Winter Olympics. I actually quite enjoy some of the events to be honest. I mean what human being chock full of estrogen doesn’t love them some figure skating for instance. I even enjoy some of the downhill skiing, ski jumping, snowboarding, speed skating, bobsled, luge and even a little hockey (especially if my fellow Americans are whipping some Canuck ass like they have been). However, I must draw the line when it comes to cross country skiing and curling. By no means do I intend to imply that these two sports are not challenging for the individuals taking part in them but as a spectator, they just leave me scanning the room for a sharp object. In fact as I am typing this, Marsh is watching curling. Please do not ask me why he watches this crap, because I really have no idea. Well actually now that he just passed out cold I think I get it, it puts him to sleep apparently. Eureka! Curling is the Ambien of the Winter Olympics! At least it’s all natural I guess too bad one of the side effects is suicide. What child dreams of being a curling gold medalist or cross country skier for that matter? I think the curling teams skills would be better utilized if they worked for Molly Maid. It’s just a thought. A member of the curling team just drank a damn Powerade by the way. What the hell did he do that was so taxing that he needed to replenish his electrolytes or quench his thirst for that matter! As for those cross country skiers, I just think it would suck busting your ass like that in a full body spandex (friends don’t let friends wear spandex as it is a crime against humanity) jumpsuit nonetheless all while being screamed at by your coaches just to prove that you can walk the fastest in a pair of skinny skis. I will give them credit though for not stepping on one another’s ski’s and poking one another’s eyes out with those ski poles. That shizz looks dangerous! They just need to make cross country skiing a contact sport, then I would love to watch it. Can you just imagine it! It would give hockey some competition for spectators, that’s for sure. Anyhow, I need to go pry the remote from Marshall’s hands now that he’s entered a full on coma, so that I don’t die of boredom whilst watching curling. Enjoy the rest of the Olympic’s!

*Disclaimer: For those of you who were offended by anything I wrote I am sorry but you are way to sensitive. Ha!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bubble Wrapped Shrubbery

So today Marshall and I decided to throw monotony aside and venture into town. Yes I said we went into town. We live in a village so to do anything remotely exciting we must go into town or if we’re really looking for some serious action we head to a city. Anyhow, I have gotten side tracked, back to the matter at hand. As we were driving down our street I happened to notice something I had never noticed before. It was glorious. Okay it was gloriously hilarious and just straight up crazy. I beheld not one but three BUBBLE WRAPPED SHRUBBERY! Dear god did I ever laugh my ass off. You know, like the uncontrollable, wheezing, crying, laughing so hard that you are seriously in danger of peeing a little kind of laughing my ass off. Oh, and of course Marshall freakin missed it! How come men can spot a scantily clad woman from like say a mile away but they full on miss bubble wrapped shrubs? Sorry, back to the shrubbery (I really just like to say “shrubbery”). Now these shrubs were at least a good 8 or 9 feet tall I’m guessing, because they were partially hidden behind the crazy electric gate having family’s fence. All that is visible is maybe the top 4 feet of which the very top two feet are unprotected from the bubble wrap. Now I ask you, who in the hell wraps their outdoor plants or any plants for that matter in god damn bubble wrap? My contemplative husband said, “well it’s just like burlap.” I proceeded to inform him that in no way is bubble wrap anything like burlap. For one burlap is made of natural fibers and is biodegradable. Okay, maybe I’m making too big a deal about this but while living here in Germany I have noticed some shall we say, interesting things, but bubble wrapped shrubs, really? For those of you non-believers, I will try my best to post a picture soon. Also, I’m thinking I need to make it a regular thing to share with you the “interesting things” I notice here in lovely Germany. You will shit a brick over the escapades of our neighbor, “the crazy OCD street sweeper.”

Anyhow, I hope that all is well with everyone!

Monday, February 22, 2010

More Birthdays!

Marshall and I just wanted to wish my mom and cousin Meredith a very happy birthday. We hope you two lovely ladies have a wonderful day!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Happy Birthday Marshall!

Today is the birthday of my one and only, the love of the my life, my best friend, my partner in crime, my better half. Have I missed any? Please do let me know if I did. No plans for today other than the ceremonial birthday cake that just came out of the oven. We might check out the Fasching festivities in Coburg later today, which you might be able to catch a glimpse of via the Coburg Town Square Webcam link to the right. We also plan to have some friends over to celebrate on Saturday.

So yeah, thanks a bunch for being born Marsh, I’m totally jazzed that you were!

XOXO

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why do my dogs do the things they do?

Okay, so I know I have been a bad blogger, and haven’t updated this thing since October. I suck. I think that things just slowed down for us here in Germany and I didn’t feel that I had anything really relevant to share since we’ve settled in. However, today I got to thinking and realized that I have a lot more to share than just the experiences relating directly to relocating to a foreign country. So I am going to make a sincere effort to keep this going and in turn keep my writing skills sharpened. You know what they say, if you don’t use it, you lose it. Be prepared though, as my ramblings will definitely not be censored and may not always be of the popular opinion, nor may you rarely if ever agree with what I might write. With that said, let the madness ensue!

Why is it that every time I go to the bathroom at home the dogs feel the need to accompany me? I mean, do they really think that I need protection from the evil toilet brush or that I just really like their company so much that I can’t be without it for 3 minutes while I answer the call of nature. They are incredibly judgmental too. I mean when they fart it could damn near wipe out a small village and then they just sit there and look around like, “hey, it’s just a natural thing, we all do it.” However, when I fart and I even have the common decency to do it in what should be the privacy of my own bathroom (well some times anyway), they look at me so indignantly like they are totally judging me and are revolted by me. To that I say, “well hell, at least I don’t lick myself or sniff butts,” and “SCRAM!”

Why do my dogs find it necessary to screw with my damn curtains? First of all I have to inform you that these curtains were a sore spot in my marriage for a time. I had to fight hard for these curtains because for some reason when it comes to decorating my husband has developed what I call “The Queer Eye.” For those of you who may not know, “The Queer Eye” is in fact Marshall’s concern for all things esthetic especially pertaining to decorating matters. So after months of battling I won the curtain war at last! My wonderful husband even obligingly hung them for me. Boy did they ever look nice too! Our living room no longer granted access to all neighbors and passersby. Even Marsh had to admit how much better the room looked. However, this happiness was short lived as we discovered that there was some unrest among the four legged troops. For some reason they both feel the need to go and get a drink of water from their bowl in the kitchen and then walk all the way back into the living room to then wipe their slobbery faces on my damn curtains! I yell all sorts of obscenities and tell them no but it’s no use. I swear they know it makes me mad and they just do it on purpose to torture me.

Why does Gemma snore loud enough to wake the dead only when I am trying to sleep? This dog’s snoring is seriously out of control. I have considered breath right strips,and that spray they used to advertise. However, I just resort to yelling at her, because god know’s Marshall wouldn’t wake up if the Kool-Aid man himself came busting into the room and exclaimed “OH YEAH!” Sadly I have even tried throwing pillows and she just grunts, then continues snoring. I have even tried putting her in her crate but then she digs in it or just snores in there and then it resonates and is even louder. Needless to say I spend a lot of time on the couch.

Why does Shocker have to lick his paws like he has OCD? On one hand I can really respect his need for hygiene, but he does it far too often. If he eats anything at all, he then needs to lay down and lick the hell out of his paws. I mean it’s not as though he used them to hunt down some wild animal for dinner. I can’t believe his paws aren’t chapped all to hell.

With that said, I really do love Gemma and Shocker. It’s just that some days I just need to rant because living with two real live cartoon characters can be quite taxing on a woman.

*Disclaimer:
No Olde English Bulldogges were harmed when said pillows were tossed in their general direction. I promise!